Staring
Is staring rude? You've got to answer, trying to break my husband (Mr. California) of the habit! Paula
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In answering your questions, I want us all to keep in mind that manners and etiquette are mainly just common sense, thoughtfulness and consideration. It has become formalized simply because not all of us are gifted with the same innate sense of courtesy. Frequently, the customs of the past that made us a genteel, gracious society have fallen out of custom; therefore, websites like this are merely reminders of how society works best and what is expected of us from those who do know the rules of etiquette. Many of the questions I answer address the "dance" of good manners. None of us want to be embarrassed by bumping into a gentleman who has been so gracious as to stand and pull out your chair when you return to your seat at the table. To save us from that embarrassment, rules of etiquette were developed just to choreograph situations in which we will all find ourselves. Because of new situations in our increasingly technological age, we will have to develop a new choreography.
We have before us a question of the ages. This is an etiquette question from a mother. I told her I would put it to my crack etiquette experts to see if you all have ideas to offer. Everyone is welcome to chip in.The "Miss" Dilemma
I hope you can help clarify something for me.... Verbally we always call women 'Miss.' and then their first name such as Miss Pat. We do this whether they are married or not so, how do we correctly put that in written form if they are married? I often see people write out Mrs. Pat and it seems odd since that is not how we say it. Is it wrong to do Ms.? Tyanne
That is an excellent
question. I would think one would just write "Miss Pat," but not on the
outside of an envelope. "Miss Pat" is really just a form of endearing
familiarity. If one were writing a formal correspondence one would
surely use the formal address (Mrs. Patricia Jones or Mrs. John Jones,
for example). Ms. would be an appropriate address for a divorced woman.
Those are my thoughts on that Southern dilemma. Sharman
I have a question regarding a lady approaching the dinner table and being seated: Which side of the chair are you to approach to be seated - to the right or to the left? Also, from which side do you exit when dinner is over?
A lady approaches the chair from the right because the man on your left will be pulling your chair out for you to sit. Should the gentleman pull your chair back at the end of the meal, I would think he would be doing so from the same direction you approached the table so you would also step back from the right. However, it all depends on where the gentleman is standing. The most important thing in any social situation is to make others feel comfortable. Having too hard and fast a rule on these things complicates situations in which there might be a crowd -- or a conversation -- and a lady must act graciously accordingly.
Also, when addressing the outside of an envelope (just regular correspondence), where does the return address go, on the front upper left side or on the back of the envelope flap? And, when inserting a birthday card, etc., into the envelope, do you insert it so that when the envelope is opened, it is facing the recipient?
The address should be on the front upper left side unless the address has been formally printed on the envelope. You place a card into the envelope fold side first so that when a right-handed person pulls the card from the envelope the card is facing the recipient.
A friend of mine added this:
Dear Miss Party Giver, I think instead of paying $17,000 to host a bridal luncheon many miles away. It would be easier to pay an English teacher $25. 00 to assist you in composing a lovely note to the bride and your brother declining from this luncheon, that is almost impossible for you to achieve. Especially since it can only last an hour. However, I think she deserves a luncheon at Publix. That would be the kindest thing for you to do if you want to save relationships within the family. Nancy Prim Stewart, The Protocol of Washington (Etiquette Instructor)
Explanation of Sir and Ma'am
I just moved from California to NC. I'm an RN in my early 60's. By my peers, bosses and locals I have been called ma'am a lot. (In California it is kind of an insult it shows age) and have also been called Miss Breck from instructors when I've asked questions in class and have heard my peers call some RN's Miss and others not. No order of age or rank. What is proper for me. I can't find any pattern that would make any sense on when and why or timing or place or rank.. what gives.. Breck
I am 42 and live in Tennessee. I was raised to always say
“sir” and “ma’am” to anyone older than me. Now that I am “middle
aged” I am unsure if it is polite or if its condescending to use these
terms to people obviously older than me. Are they my
contemporaries or still viewed as older and should be shown respect?
It was recently brought to my attn by a friend that using those terms
to someone our parents ages can be viewed as condescending—it had never
occurred to me that it was anything but being polite and respectful.
I would appreciate your feedback. Jennifer
Southern mothers begin early teaching their children to say "yes ma'am" and "no ma'am, "yes, sir" and "no, sir" to their children when addressing adults. It is considered disrespectful for children to speak to their elders or those in a position of authority with a simple yes or no. My husband, an attorney, addresses all of his adult clients, regardless of their relative age with "ma'am" and "sir" out of respect. I said "yes, ma'am" and "yes, sir" to my mother and father until the day they died and would never have considered doing anything else!
This is not a term of derision. Saying "ma'am" and "sir" does not demean your own position.
While I realize personal relationships might develop where "ma'am" and "sir" may be dispensed with, there is still a time and a place to maintain the professionalism and respect those terms acknowledge. Using a person's first name is also considered a form of familiarity. Not knowing the marital status of a woman, the term Ms. has become a common form of address. Many, including my husband, have a problem with younger people in their profession continuing to address them as Mr. or Ms. after being asked to call them by a first name. After being requested to address a person by a less formal name, that request should be respected.
A college or university classroom setting is considered a formal setting though in high school classrooms a first name is usually used. Students should always address their instructor with "ma'am" or "sir".
I am a firm believer in maintaining civility in society and think we've gotten way too casual in our personal relationships. A respectful form of address may help to provide the distance needed to keep office relationships from sliding into problem causing personal relationships between men and women. I would suggest that maintaining that buffer in the male female office relationship might be proper and should be considered.
Yes, it is rude. People deserve their privacy. Plus, it makes others uncomfortable. Those of us who consider good manners an important attribute cringe at the thought of making another person uncomfortable.
Food Brought to Family upon Death of loved one
Why is it when someone dies in the South it is common for neighbors to bring food??? Dave
Bringing
food is the very best way one can comfort a grieving person. You feed
their family until the shock is gone. You don't have to talk. They feel
your love and concern through your actions.
For a bit of humor with a lot of truth on this issue read Being Dead Is
No Excuse: The Official Southern Ladies Guide to Hosting the Perfect
Funeral. It comes with lots of great recipes as well.
Politics and Southern Women
What is proper etiquette when it pertains to politics? Do southern women speak about politics in a diverse group?
You know, that is a very good question. Southern women have intellect and opinions. But, a southern lady would temper her opinions with thoughtfulness, respect and consideration for another's opinions, without compromising their own firmly held beliefs. Let no one mistake the iron backbone in that gentle spirit. And when sterner stuff is needed, there may be a glove on the fist, perhaps?
At what age should young gentlemen stand when a woman approaches the table? I think around 12. Bob
I think you are right. That is the age they are identifying with their father and should definitely be encouraged to be a gentleman.
Not Enough Familiarity Offensive?
My wife and I raise our four daughters in New Orleans, and we were seating ourselves on the sidewalk tables of a restaurant yesterday when a woman about 20 years my senior (I'm 38) passed us and said hello, and I offered up a hello in return, however I offended her. Here's how. Let's say her name is Jane Doe. Well, I said, "Hello, Ms. Doe." She stopped and protested albeit playfully. Then I offered "Hello, Ms. Jane?" Which she still stood dumbfounded. So hastily and finally I said "Hey Jane!" To which she seemed ok with but - - -
So who's right? My original actions? Or was she right to be offended? Jean-Pierre
She was not right to be offended. Your address to her was your example to your daughters as to how they should address her. Making you feel uncomfortable in an innocent exchange in front of your daughters was improper on her part. It is credited to Jonathan Swift to have said, "Good manners is the art of making those people easy with whom we converse. Whoever makes the fewest people uneasy is the best bred in the room." She could have smiled and said, "Call me Jane, dear." Still, your daughters, being well-bred southern girls would know to call her Mrs. Doe unless there is a close relationship there and they have been given permission by their parents to address her as 'Ms. Jane.'" Simply being a professional peer would not warrant that address. (My opinion -- Sharman Ramsey)
Couples Shower
I am hosting a “couples shower” perhaps a tool and gadget shower along with 2 other ladies. We are all good friends of the grooms mother and all of our sons have grown up together and are in this young mans wedding. Any suggestion as to what we should refer to this shower as? It will be fairly casual at a very nice outdoor pavilion in May. Also what is the proper protocol for gifts? Beth Ann
What a fun event! As friends of the groom, I think the perfectly
fine to provide this family with guy necessities rather than the usual
items considered under the woman's domain. Calling it a "Tool and
Gadget Shower" lets folks know exactly what you are trying to do. All
of those boys will really enjoy shopping for the things they are bound
to be borrowing. Send me a picture. That sounds like something others
would be inspired by!
God bless the happy couple that is so lucky to have friends like you.
Professional and Southern Greeting for Female Boss
Could you please tell me the most
professional & southern greetings for a female boss? Something
similar to “Good Morning” & “Good evening”? I am a Northerner and
have offended my 100% southern boss. If you would be so kind as to
provide a few different examples so that I do not appear rude or
condescending, it would be greatly appreciated! Thank you!
"Good morning! How are you today?"
is a very good greeting wherever you are. Always accompanied with a
smile and sincere interest. Perhaps “Have a good evening!” when saying
good night. Or "See you in the morning!” if you need something other
than a simple "good night."
As you get to know your boss, you
might also inquire as to specific family members, etc. A son playing in
a baseball game. “Did you win?” you might ask. Or “I heard your mother
was in the hospital. I hope she is doing well.”
Not necessary, just always an asset
to be sincerely interested. You don’t want to get too chummy too fast,
just judge according to your own personality and the limits your boss
places on sharing about herself/himself. I personally think it is good
to keep a distance between employee and employer especially if they of
different gender. Calling your male boss Mister is a good separator and
reminder that this is a job, a workplace, not a social situation.
Folks sometimes tease southerners about our inclination to ask, “How’s your mom n ‘em?”
Meaning how are your mother and the
family doing? I am not saying for you to do this, but just sharing how
friendly southerners are and how we pretty much know the mother and
family in relationships. So don’t be surprised if that kind of
friendship opens up in a business situation. Just settle in and observe
for awhile. I think you will love being in the South and will soon
become one of us!